Hi all! I can’t believe I’ve been writing this newsletter for 2 years now. Thank you if you are still here.
When I think of this year, pain and healing come to mind. It was all going really great until I turned 29 in April and got COVID the next week. That was the first time I’d been really, really sick in my life. I did not take to it well. A lot of tears and wondering when I’d stop having coughing fits in public and in the middle of the night. It lasted 2 months, but it finally did end.
There was a lot of personal growth this year. I left my job in Fort Myers to work as a travel nurse in Orlando for the past 6 months. If you had asked me in 2022 if I’d ever consider travel nursing, I would have told you no, too scary. BUT I am glad I did it, even though it feels like I sold my soul for money sometimes.
I was talking to a close family member about my career plans after my masters degree. I said I try not to plan too far ahead because you never know what surprises will come your way and change your life. You might fall in love, you might lose someone, you might discover you actually hate your job. It’s been a hard pill to swallow—dreams not coming true. I was the girl who had the next year, 5 years, 10 years planned because that’s what she was raised to do. But you know, people die, you don’t get hired at your dream job, you fall into patterns, and some doors become closed to you forever. But when other doors open up, you have to open your eyes and take the leap.
I had this vision of myself at 30 and who I am now is nothing like that. I still struggle to accept this most of the time, but I recently had a revelation that this is who I am meant to be. It is futile not to love who I have become. Who I am is the result of all my mistakes and good decisions. We waste too much energy hating ourselves, starving ourselves, critiquing ourselves. It’s time to change that in 2024. I hope you love yourself just as you are in this moment. You are enough.
As scary as it can be, put yourself out there. Take risks. Make friends. Tell someone how you REALLY feel. It might not always be reciprocated, but when it is, it’s the best feeling in the world. Every person I have befriended has taught me a lesson, whether it’s how to be a better person or how to identify a toxic person I don’t need in my life.
I’ve decided to put up a Christmas tree this year. I haven’t since my mom died 7 years ago. I was shopping for decorations and I had no idea what to get. I know my mom would have known exactly what to pick. Christmas was her favorite holiday. I miss roasting chestnuts and listening to Christmas music with her. I miss driving around looking at all the lights. She always left the tree up until February and it drove me crazy. 🤣
My mom was so intelligent and so beautiful. She could always pick out the perfect dress or pair of shoes for me, even though she hated shopping. She always knew the latest celebrity gossip or world news. She was full of frustrating contradictions and I miss her very, very much at this time of the year. There are some days I would do anything to see her again, but I know I still have things to do here on Earth. I know it can feel so hopeless sometimes, with all the conflicts going on in the world or the personal problems you are dealing with by yourself. You will hit rock bottom, but you will rise again. You are not alone in your suffering. The strength to survive has always been inside you.
All my love to you,
Michelle xx
Happy holidays!!!!
Recommendations:
Music: Here is the link to my top songs of 2023 on Spotify! A lot of sad girl music lolol, but some good house songs as well. Michelle's Top Songs 2023
Books: “Self Love Poetry” by Melody Godfred, “Inward” by Yung Pueblo, “Things You Wanted to Say But Never Did” by Geloy Conception (This one is a journal with deep prompts and really cool photos. The artist is Filipino!)
Shows: I honestly did not watch much tv this year…Xoxo, Kitty was cute. Matt Rife’s comedy special was okay. I remember watching some teen movies when I was depressed.
Send me your recommendations!
Thank you.