Hi, everyone! It has been so long! I’ve been very busy, but in the best way. I’ve been balancing self-care, working, school, tennis, and content creation this year. It’s not always easy, but I am trying not to put so much pressure on myself to be productive and just do what I feel like doing that day. I have found that resting a day or two helps me be productive for the rest of the week. Please don’t feel guilty about needing to rest, needing to sleep for 10+ hours, or unplugging completely for a few days.
Last month, I was suffering from so much anxiety before work. I applied to several jobs and was even offered a management position! I weighed out the pros and cons and came to appreciate several aspects of my job. It’s easier said than done, but changing my mindset has helped immensely. Living in the moment and not worrying about the future or regretting the past has helped me as well. If that doesn’t work, bingeing Netflix helps! I’ve been watching Formula 1: Drive to Survive lately. It’s amazing—dramatic races, but also hilarious to see the drivers pranking each other.
It’s my 29th birthday today! Or, as I like to say, 21 for the 8th time in a row. I wrote this whole other newsletter reflecting on how different my life is compared to how I thought it would be 10 years ago. I have overcome so much, and my life looks completely different. I have met so many people I never expected to meet and experienced events I never thought I would. In many ways, I am behind my peers in the milestones we have achieved. Some days, I beat myself up for it. And other days, I feel okay and appreciate the freedom I have in not having kids or a mortgage yet. I hope I will one day, though!
Life is a marathon. There will be people before you who achieve things first and people behind you who don’t finish at all. The important part is to focus on yourself and enjoy the journey. Helping others is always a plus, but only when you feel strong enough.
I’m proud to say that my mental health is the best it has ever been in my life. I didn’t think I would make it to 29. From my teens and throughout my 20s, I just couldn’t see the point of life. Maybe I didn’t have the right support system, or I didn’t have the right coping skills, but I don’t wish that feeling upon anyone. And yet, so many of us, old and young, feel these feelings. Some of us act upon them and harm ourselves. Whether it’s through physical harm, destructive behavior, or negative thoughts, we are hurting ourselves. We all make mistakes. We all experience failure and rejection. These things don’t make you less worthy of a person or less worthy of good things. They are just lessons to point you in the right direction and it’s in these moments that you should give yourself extra love. More time doing the things you love best, more time spent with loved ones, more time slowing down. It’s normal to have negative thoughts, but don’t listen to them.
I miss my mom. I miss my grandpa. I miss Justus. I still cry when I talk about them with others. I don’t mean to keep going on and on about grief, but I do think that by speaking about it, I can help others. There are brighter days ahead. If you’re currently grieving, reading this might not make an impact right now, but you can do this and you deserve to be happy again.
When I miss my loved ones, I think of the happy times I had with them. I think of all the lessons they taught me. The most important lessons were about kindness. Helping people is one of my favorite things to do. It’s why I became a nurse. I love to cheer people on. It can be exhausting. I am still learning how to balance my needs versus the needs of others, especially at work. But whenever I doubt my self-worth, I know that I bring a lot of light and hope into the lives of others.
This feeling of being alive, of you The opposite of grief-- I hold on to it fast But I know it won't last I feel it in hope Longing for the future For better days This feeling of being fully alive I feel it listening to a new song Starting a deep conversation Laughing with new friends When I miss someone It's paralyzing sometimes To know you will never see them again There is so much you want to tell them A paragraph or a single word But you have to hide it deep inside you And pray you don't explode This life is hard-- It is full of loss But still, you have to push through it To feel such incredible highs You have to be vulnerably low I don't know I don't know How my thoughts can turn Into meaningful poems Each time is miracle I am trying And I won't give up No matter how deep the less
If you are struggling right now, please reach out to me. If you are living your best life right now, I would love to hear all about it. If you are coasting along, keep hanging in there. Better days are ahead!
If you are not where you dream of being, are you closer than you were a year or a month ago? I hope the answer is yes. If it isn’t, each day is a step closer and know you aren’t the only one who feels like this. We all go through it. It’s okay to ask for help. It’s okay to break down. It’s okay to go on autopilot for a while. Life isn’t always meant to be this incredible high or heartbreaking low, some days we live in the in-between—it’s called balance.
Listen to:
Lofi music when you want to sleep, study, or just chill out!
Down the Line by Jose Gonzalez
Chateau by Petit Biscuit (cover) or Angus and Julia Stone
Dissolve Me by alt-J
One Day They’ll Know (Odesza remix) by Pretty Lights
I Think About by Blonde Maze
All of the Girls You Loved Before by Taylor Swift
Watch: Formula 1: Drive to Survive; The Law According to Lidia Poet, Lesson Plan, Black Crab, The Gray Man, The Gentleman (all Netflix)
Read: You are a Badass by Jen Sincero