August 2022

Now that Justus is gone, I often wonder what will be the last thing I write before I die? The last text message I send? The last newsletter, the last poem, the last Instagram post?

What will I be remembered for? Being a nurse, a tennis player? A writer, a poet? Someone who was kind? Someone who lied? Someone with anxiety? Someone with grief?

Well, whatever it is, I thank you for reading my newsletters and being my friend. For making me feel seen and understood and accepted. It may seem like a little thing, but it means the world to me, especially now that I have one less friend in the world.

I’ve been meaning to write a newsletter about Justus since he died and I just feel like the time has come and then I can be finished with it. Soon after I decided to start my own newsletter, which has been a dream of mine for years, Justus joked one should be all about him. Especially because he gave me the encouragement to start the newsletter. I thought it was funny at the time, but it’s crazy how many of my conversations have me referring back to him and commenting on something he had liked or disliked.

I made a new tumblr account last year to share my new poetry after not writing for several years. I wanted a new start because I felt like my writing had changed so much. Justus was the first profile that showed up in my recommendations. I remember sometime in our conversations, he asked me how I had even found his page. The universe or God wanted us to be friends. I have often asked Justus why he left so soon after we had become friends, and in my head I always hear him say, “Because I had to meet you first.”

A few months later, I invited him to this tumblr writing group I had joined. We didn’t really fit in because we were the oldest people in the group. I messaged him one day in November asking how he was and he was so surprised anyone cared. That made me really sad and he opened up to me about the challenges he was facing. Like really opened up, he wrote me four or five paragraphs. I was initially overwhelmed, but I sensed that he needed someone to listen to him and I was willing to be that person for him.

We talked sparingly through the following days. I honestly forgot I had a tumblr sometimes. I was just very busy with tennis at the time.

Around December, I was really struggling with something and I opened up to him about it. He was very supportive and even offered his phone number to me. I have been super weary of giving my number to people I meet on the internet so I didn’t give him my number for another few months. But we did follow each other on Instagram and send each other text and voice messages.

After he died, I rediscovered the voice messages and listened to all of them and it was like he was right next to me. I laughed so hard at the things he had said. It had felt so good to laugh again after so many tears. I even have the sound of his laugh on one of the messages.

I can hear his voicemail message if I try and remember it. I would call his phone every day expecting him to pick up and then listen to his voicemail a few times just to hear him speak. I remember having a breakdown in the supermarket one day and calling him and leaving him a voicemail about it.

Being in the supermarket brought me to tears many times. I have wondered what healthy and unhealthy foods we would have picked. I’m sure he would have asked me permission for stuff he wanted. Or maybe he wouldn’t have. That’s just how I imagined it. I even cried once in Petco because we would never buy dog food for his dog, Bella.

I have never experienced grief like this. When my grandpa and mom died 6 years ago, I was so busy with my new job, I was actually quite numb to grief. I would cry in my car on the way to work, but I think I was just always too busy to grieve.

Sometimes I worry I am idealizing Justus and the life we could have had, but that is just my way of dealing with the grief and I think that’s okay.

I had never met a person like Justus or had a friendship in which someone understood me so well. We argued plenty of times, but we always made up. It was so hard when he died. We had not been so close during that last month and we had even argued on my birthday. We were just becoming close again when he passed right before Easter. I thought he was just taking some time to rest as we often did with each other. I had a feeling once that something was wrong, but I reassured myself he was okay. You think when someone you love so much dies, you will sense it. And maybe you do, but I haven’t for any of my loved ones who’ve passed.

Justus was extraordinary. He was my one in seven billion. He thought he wasn’t special and was not worthy of love. And yet, he was still the kindest person I’ve ever known, the most thoughtful. He had his moments and could be mean and stubborn. But he was so similar to me and that’s what made me forgive him so easily and love being friends with him.

He was the only person who would read all of my poems and tell me how each one made him feel. He would always cheer me on in whichever project I was working on. He would tell me to have a great practice before every tennis practice. And we would laugh about the crazy things my students would say and do during practice. We would send each other songs to listen throughout the day and we made a shared playlist on Spotify. We would write each other poems, not too often, but it was very special when we did. He worked a crazy schedule, but usually he was always awake at night. So when I reached out feeling anxious or lonely in the middle of the night, he would almost always answer.

That was something I really struggling with after he was gone. Feeling so alone at night. I was terrified of the dark without him. It took a few weeks, but I was able to sleep at night, instead of staying awake contending with crippling anxiety and grief.

If Justus said he was going to do something, he would do it. If he said something, he meant it. He would send me the longest texts when he was excited. Or a bunch of shorter texts. I thought it was so funny for a guy to do that! But I really miss it now.

He would get so embarrassed with me sometimes. I would pretend not to understand his jokes just to see him get worried and then reassure him I had understood and that it was okay. We did a lot of reassuring each other over our insecurities.

We felt like we had missed out on a lot of things in life and we dreamed of having our own adventures together. Like going to a concert because I have a fear of crowds. Going to the beaches in our separate states. Publish our own books. He wanted a tiny house on a farm and I want a a beach bungalow. We didn’t have the same dreams, but we supported each other’s dreams.

I know I can still live a full life without him. But I know I would have lived the best version of my life with him in it. I could just tell him anything and he was so nonjudgmental. And yet, he had the worst temper, even worse than mine! But whatever happened, I knew I wanted to be friends forever. I guess in a way we always will.

Justus had Chronic Pain Regional Syndrome. He was in pain all of the time and he was so positive most times, I would forget. I have this video of him dancing and he looks so free. What a gift it is to be able to watch it and laugh and remember him. I’m so thankful he liked to send me photos and videos of himself that I can look back upon now. There is so much more to say and maybe I will in the future. Thank you for reading if you’ve gotten this far. I hope this helps you understand more about him and why he means so much to me.

He has his own foundation for CPRS and if you could donate or spread awareness, that would mean so much. I have been writing so many poems about him and posts about him in these past four months and when I’m ready, I’m going to put them into a book about grief. He will have helped me accomplish another dream.

If you’ve seen me talking about butterflies on my Instagram account, it’s because I believe my loved ones come back to me in that form. I have seen them at the cemetery, in my yard, and when I have been traveling. They usually appear when I have been feeling sad and in need of encouragement to keep going.

I have so many coping techniques for grief and anxiety and I am sure I will share them in a different post another time. I hope you and your family are well and that the rest of your year is filled with friendship, laughter, love, and light. Thank you for being here with me on my journey. I can’t thank you enough. <3

Most sincerely,

Michelle