I am currently sitting in my garage enjoying the Florida air. No mosquitos! I just fed my stray cats and one of them even left me gift by the front door…a dead lizard.
I got hit in the eye by a tennis ball from my 7-year-old student tonight. Normally, I would have freaked out, but I just took a minute to reorient myself and wiped away the few tears that came out.
I’m focusing on really taking care of my mental and physical health this year. Last year was just so traumatic. Yes, I did go back to school and get a new job with new adventures, but I really miss the people I lost last year.
I handle it well most days, but I’m choosing myself every day this year. I can’t help anyone if I can’t help myself first.
Lately, nursing has given me so much anxiety. The staffing is better now that we have travel nurses and nursing assistants, but I just feel overwhelmed almost every shift. Healthcare is so complex and it’s really a bucket of worms with no solution. Burnout is real for all healthcare workers. Consequently, I’m working on some new dreams of mine to see what comes of them! I’m really excited to share them with you, but it will have to wait until next time!
I have some great news! My friend from high school finally got his bone marrow transplant. He has been undergoing chemotherapy the past few days, but when I saw his post about the transplant, I burst into tears. We weren’t very close in high school, but he was always a warm and welcoming soul. We had to take a picture for the yearbook together and he ended up giving me a piggyback ride for the picture!
I cried because I felt so relieved. Prayers do come true. We reconnected after Justus died and he was just so kind in the few words we exchanged. I found out later he was sick, and I have been cheering him on since then. He went through a lot of anxiety attacks thinking he would never get the transplant. So, thank you if you have been praying for him and it would mean so much if you continued to do so.
Currently, I am listening to “Pepper” by Death Cab for Cutie. They have been one of my favorite bands since high school. It brings so many emotions to the surface for me. It’s about the end of a relationship and the possibility of reconnecting one last time. I think of a specific failed relationship. It was so sudden, but it took me a whole year for me to stop talking to the person because I was in denial. This song also makes me remember Justus, who died unexpectedly. The grief of not being able to say what you should have said. The definiteness of never being able to speak to that person again. To make new memories or watch them grow up and hope the best for them.
I don’t feel so alone when I am alone now. I remember after J died, I felt like I was unworthy of love. Like everyone in my life kept leaving me. Like I deserved to be alone and it was unbearable. I don’t know where I’m going with this, but I guess just to say that it gets better. Sometimes, on its own. And sometimes, with extra work or a drastic change in your life. Be it going back to school, starting a new job, chasing a new dream, or cutting someone out of your life. Be it going to therapy, eating healthier, or buying that dress. Whatever it is that you’re chasing, I hope you keep going until you find it, or another dream finds you. I’ll be cheering you on the whole way.
Eternally grateful,
Michelle
I had an amazing day today what a relief despite all the sadness of missing you the absence the pain the dull noise the echoes Grief is a wave rushing back in at night-- our time my life is so empty without you despite all of the blessings I have why did you have to go I know I know I know it was always your time to go you were just waiting to meet me first I know I know I know I was left behind to do good things with my time and I'll do them in your name you are in everything I do and everything I say and everything I feel I wish I could tell you all of the amazing things that happened to me today but I'm sure you already know and you probably brought them my way I know we'll be together again one day
A friend of mine lost her uncle to suicide last year. It has been very hard for her and her family. She recently spoke about her loss and her struggle with recovering from a traumatic brain injury and long COVID. It would be so much to me if you read her article. She has been a good friend to me and reading her words has reminded me I am not alone. She also writes poetry and her poem in the article brought me to tears.
https://medium.com/authority-magazine/arianna-kaminski-i-lost-a-loved-one-to-suicide-and-here-is-what-you-should-know-b71236a44e63