Life can change so much in a year. A year ago, I wasn’t on social media. A year ago, I hadn’t met Justus. A year ago, I wasn’t even thinking of going back to school. A year ago, I was really, really happy in my isolated bubble. And now, after a year of loss and heartbreak and commitment to new things and new friends, I have found happiness again. In a different way, due to growth and change.
I’m not sure if I would say that I wouldn’t change a thing. I would make some wiser choices that’s for sure. But also, I don’t think I would be in the same state I am in right here right now if I made changes. It is hard to say what I would and would not do again. I have hurt people and I have been hurt by people. Regardless, I have grown. I have written really beautiful and heartbreaking poetry because of all these experiences. I have strengthened friendships, reconnected with old friends, and gained wonderful new friends by sharing my struggles with all of them.
I am trying to heal from all of the trauma I have experienced and even the trauma I have caused. I am trying to find the balance between focusing on myself and caring for others who need my help. I am trying to find the balance between having an open heart and having a guarded, wiser mind. I am trying to balance school, tennis, my writing and other projects, and having time for myself. I also have some other exciting news that I am not ready to share yet, but it will definitely impact my life in a big way!
I know a lot of us are struggling. And if you don’t want to hear that it’s going to get better someday, I don’t blame you. I have been there. I was there a few weeks ago. The anger and self pity are a safe place to hide. It sounds cliche, but as the bad days pass in succession and the okay days start to come, you’ll wake up one day to an exceptional day, and then a wonderful day. And more and more will come and outnumber the bad and you will have a better season. It will not last as bad times are bound to happen, but I hope you realize you are stronger than you were then and you have the strength to make it through again.
I have also found that praying really, really helps me. But if that’s not your thing, it’s also okay to ask for prayers. Praying can come in all forms: laughing, crying, looking up the sky, spending time in nature. Whatever you do to appreciate God’s works, that’s what praying is to me.
I have so much to write about and share with you in the future. But I don’t want to overwhelm you. Only Justus could really handle all of my manic writing episodes 😂 But if you could keep praying for his family and me, that would mean the world to me. And if you need me to pray for you, please let me know and I certainly will. I do pray for all of you already though. And I am always here to listen if you are struggling.
Half of 2022 has passed. The first half has not gone too well for me, but Justus’ passing has reminded me that life is too short not to be happy, even if you are facing adversity. Justus lived every day in physical pain, but he was so cheerful and kind every day, it was easy to forget he was struggling. It is easier said than done to adopt a positive mindset every day, but maybe if you practice it first thing in the morning and last at night, it will become an easier habit.
Thank you for reading my crazy 1 AM thoughts.❤️
—Michelle 🌻