Mental health matters
It is 4:52 AM as I write this. I have been up since 2:30. I slept for four hours, but I can’t go back to sleep, even though I was awake for 36 hours before that.
When was my last newsletter? My birthday one? How much things have changed.
Happy to report I’m still alive, although most days I don’t want to be. I have cried so much since getting COVID in April. 29 is not as amazing as I hoped it would be, but it’s not as I imagined either.
I was doing so well in the healing process after J died. I haven’t texted him since June. I recently read what I had sent him then and I am surprised it was so long ago. I think the last things I sent him on social media were in August or September 2022 when I decided I deserve to be happy again. I was so proud of myself back then.
Now, I’m at a crossroads again. Life is moving so quickly. People are moving in and out of my life so quickly. Everything is transient. I am always on the move or sleeping, there is no free time for me to just be. I am either traveling, working, or trying to be productive. I hate living like this.
I don’t recognize myself anymore. I regret a lot from the past and I’m so miserable in the present. I am terrified of the future, and I feel aimless. I am angry and depressed and anxious. I can’t turn off my brain. I talk to my friends, but I feel like a burden. The things I used to do don’t help me anymore. Music sounds stale, reading and watching movies is boring. I just want to scream and turn off my brain for a week.
I feel so alone. I hate August. It’s my mom’s and my grandfather’s birthdays and it just reminds me I am alone. Yes, they would want me to be happy, but would they want me to be in pain? I am afraid of the bad days. I wake up in fear.
I am trying to figure out why I am so unlovable. I think I have been trying to figure it out for my entire life. It seems everyone is getting married or having kids or buying homes/cars/vacationing and I am just trying to find the courage to get out of bed.
I just want to isolate so badly, but I’m afraid to be alone. Being a nurse makes me feel so empty. Long hours of giving people my full effort, all my empathy. I really want to help people, but I have nothing left for myself at the end of the day. I just feel like life is pointless and we are all going to end up sick or alone.
It hurts. It really hurts. I know I’m not perfect. I can be mean and selfish. But why do people wake up one day and decide my feelings don’t matter? Feelings are temporary and we shouldn’t let them rule our lives, but that’s all I have, and I don’t know any other way. I am so emotional, and I hate myself for it.
Maybe if I was prettier, maybe if I was smarter, maybe if I was more hard working. Maybe it’s not me, but other people that are the problem. But I tend to see the best in everyone, even if they hurt me, and I still love them for it. It is so hard for me to let go.
Justus liked that I could see the beauty in everything. I think it was what he loved most about me. But now, I can’t see anything. I don’t want to see. My heart is tired and closed and I just want to hide away from the world so nothing more can hurt me.